It’s been several years since I’ve prepared my annual pre-season quiz so for those who have forgotten the routine, I need you to find a comfortable chair, a bright light and sharp pencil before submitting your answers to the Ski Canada National Winter Test Laboratories. We’ll determine what kind of winter you’re about to have and if you’re a winner, a nice plaque will arrive for your rec room. Let me remind you people, this quiz is serious stuff.
by Iain MacMillan in the Fall 2014 issue
To get my body in shape for skiing, I:
- a)
alternate gym workouts with running and cycling - b)
squat for eight hours a day in my chairless office cubicle - c)
watch a lot of ski movies - d)
lie down between naps and do visualization
My skis:
- a)
were sharpened and hot waxed on my last day in the spring - b)
are being replaced as soon as I finish reading last issue’s Buyer’s Guide - c)
were part of the divorce settlement - d)
are still in the ski rack at the bottom of the hill—I think
My ski boots:
- a)
are warm, comfortable and new - b)
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…
My current waist measurement is…:
- a)
Wait, are you talking about my ski waist or my waist-waist?
This year, my ski wardrobe consists of:
- a)
battery-operated cougar-wear - b)
trou that’s baggy enough to fit both my bros and me at the same time - c)
NASA-designed, Gore-Tex/Kevlar,
magnetic nano-cotton, copper-reinforced underpants
At my town’s ski swap:
- a)
I bought stuff I donated last year - b)
my wife locked me in the car - c)
I ate the licorice allsorts I found in jacket pockets - d)
I found Charlie Locke on sale
My favourite ski movie is:
- a)
Hot Tub Time Machine - b)
Hot Tub Time Machine - c)
Hot Tub Time Machine
I look better onhill when:
- a)
I stick the landing on a front switch-up blind 270 - b)
I’m on the lift - c)
I’m in the ski patrol toboggan - d)
it’s dark
Old school to me means:
- a)
corduroy knickers and a cable-stitched sweater - b)
a wineskin and Head Standards - c)
jeans and a headband - d)
shoulder pads in a one-piece - e)
two-foot-long poles
My long underwear:
- a)
apparently isn’t appropriate attire at a petting zoo - b)
lasts a whole season without washing - c)
is official Justin Bieber-licensed merchandise - d)
got me lucky at après ski three times, so far
To get back at the airlines I:
- a)
found a way to put my skis into the overhead bin - b)
wear my ski boots on board instead of shoes - c)
sell slices of pizza from seat to seat - d)
pack all my belongings in really big pants
I skied the U.S. last year because:
- a)
I like surprising the border guards during the strip search - b)
Colorado is now spiritually twinned with B.C. - c)
I prefer to pay for my own plaster casts - d)
I can ski with both my handguns - e)
Two words: Denny’s - f)
10 feet sounds bigger than 3 metres
I ski at a private club in Ontario:
- a)
ahhhbviously! - b)
so I can ski 250 vertical metres wearing a downhill suit - c)
because one can never be on too many boards - d)
so I can use my Pottery Barn picnic basket
To help a liftline move more efficiently I:
- a)
gently push the person in front of me - b)
enter the queue with a hockey stop—after it’s too late - c)
make everyone change partners at the last second - d)
lower the safety bar while my chairmates are still loading
My ski photos:
- a)
were ignored by Ski Canada - b)
are still in my camera from 2006 onward - c)
are mostly of food - d)
evidence in a court case
I don’t ski with a backpack because:
- a)
my bum looks smaller in photos - b)
it was confiscated by the RCMP - c)
I get my spouse or friends to carry all my stuff - d)
the liftees won’t let me after my 3rd time around the top bullwheel - e)
I prefer a fanny pack—or at least saying “fanny pack”
I read Ski Canada:
- a)
for the pictures and recipes - b)
for the naughty bits - c)
to plan my family holiday to Kyrgyzstan - d)
because its new larger format hides my copy of 50 Shades of Grey
