Worried about solar flares? How about reversing chairlifts, investing in the weed industry, unintended (but still humorous) cliff-drops, uncooked pork, getting whacked on the head by the “safety” bar, Donald Trump jokes—don’t forget, Ivana was on the Czech national ski team…. There are so many anxieties for skiers today it’s time for me to look to the stars for guidance. If you stop reading now, misfortune will most certainly befall you
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): Male Capricorns have always had a propensity to be distracted by electronics, but your sharing of data gathered on-slope at après-ski is completely out of control. Instead of showing mates (and the backs of females now walking away) your day’s vertical, top speed, urinary output and so on, keep your hands busy by holding a jug of beer in one and a bottomless stein in the other.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): If you’re an Aquarian, and a ski instructor, you already know that this is the year to get your mojo back. It’s time to plan a seductive evening. Tuesday is best. Put your phone down for a minute and look around you—you’re surrounded by eligible mates. That said, you’re best suited to pursue Gemini. (Do the math, duh! Gemini is the sign of duality—and you’ll double your chances with twins.)
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): It’s been decided: the 2018-19 ski season will be one of travel. With your new multi-resort season pass good at 62 ski areas, what you need now to make it all happen is a $470,000 airline pass and an account on couchsurfing.com. Start preparing for your travel season by attaching your ski boots and helmet to your backpack and carrying everything to the office, the supermarket, on the bus, in the elevator and so on.
Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19): With feral progeny or not, for families headed by an Aries this is your lucky year indeed. By the end of the season, I predict you’re very likely to find all your kids! Whether you’re at your local hill counting heads in the parking lot at sunset or thanking everyone at Search and Rescue, congratulations will be well deserved. It’s possible the Lost & Found room will be named after you next year.
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): No doubt you feel the same confusion as I do, but you must consider switching genres before it’s too late. If you think slopestyle is your strength, correct the mistake now: frontside cruising is clearly your chosen category. Backcountry Bobs and Bettys need to drop the charade, squeeze into a racing catsuit and get on edge! Heli- and cat-ski guiding? You know the answer already: your name is being called at the Kids’ Camp.
Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): Remember last season how often your lift mates hesitated at the last second and left you riding alone? Was Szarlóta the lunch lady the only person listening to you drone on about your ACL replacement, upcoming hip surgery and recurring rotator cuff ailments? Whenever the urge arises to talk about medical disorders, try sucking on a Ricola.
Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): Yes, an aversion to skiing directly beneath the main chair suits your personality (and your ski style), but if the task isn’t completed three Saturdays in a row this season, you risk never meeting your soulmate—or at least après-ski Tindermate. Take the offence. Be unique. Just do it in that ’80s Descente onesie you’ve been saving so you’ll be recognized later in the lift line.
Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22): You don’t need to understand celestial alignment to know skiing in 2019 in your “still perfectly good” rear-entry boots is just plain wrong. Examine your gear holistically and read our Buyer’s Guide that begins on page 34 this issue. The next two weeks is also the best time for you to buy new skis. A new shell and a midlayer wouldn’t hurt, either. And a helmet might make sense. Bonus: you’ll find Over The Glasses goggles are far cheaper than laser eye surgery.
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): You’re correct in worrying about nearly inescapable disappointment befalling you this winter—only skiing and skiing regularly will counter the excessive pseudo-modal energy involved. Plan to ski at least a week a month in a different locale, and for God’s sake, include both heli- and cat-skiing in your plans! By May, your frequency response function looks to be back on track.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): Posting photos of your day on the slopes fits your long-recognized and deeply rooted narcissism, but you need to defog your goggles: people behind you in the lift line are laughing at all those POV cameras glued to your helmet. Instead, consider going incognito and buying an expensive drone. And be sure to lower the safety bar on multi-passenger chairlifts when leaning out to include friends in your selfies.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): The first full moon on Canadian ski slopes this year is the 21st of January, which, as we all know, will affect Scorpio babies’ body saline content more than others. Be prepared for some spectacular on-slope falls that will miraculously not only leave you unscathed, but bring you acclaim, praise and admiration from friends, strangers and future lovers. Prepare yourself for the adoration.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): Wow! Who would have thought Pluto’s alignment with Sagittarius could affect this winter’s weather so powerfully! The driest, lightest snow, the clearest visibility, lunches on the deck, clear highway driving, no airport delays…whether you’re seeking snow or sun on your holiday, 2019 is the year to follow in the tracks of a Sagittarius baby.