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Columns, First Tracks // December 3, 2009 // By


There’s nothing like a quiz to get me stoked on winter. Devised through years of consultation with Austrian ski-psychologists, Swiss statisticians and snow scientists from Nelson and Smithers, the following test is an accurate assessment of your future
on-hill level of enjoyment. Serious stuff, but you’ll find that time spent on this page will result in both a useful psycho-analysis as well as a personal harbinger for this winter.

So, grab a pencil – and maybe a RedBull – you have 11 minutes to complete the quiz. If your answer doesn’t appear in the multiple choices, try to select the closest. No cheating.

My ski boots:
a) were made by Abu Ghraib prison guards
b) are almost always on the right feet
c) help me from falling over at apres ski
d) are always toasty warm – in the hot tub

My long underwear:
a) came with my grandpa’s lederhosen
b) wasn’t returned by the hospital ER staff
c) is nowhere near as nice as my roommate’s
d) is evidently okay at apres ski, but not in court

The liftees at my hill have:
a) taken personal grooming to a new level
b) a T-bar loading success rate of almost 60%
c) a vocabulary of almost 60 words
c) matching bolts in their pants and eyebrows

I joined the ski patrol:
a) for the humour
b) for the hip jacket and fanny-pack
c) after I failed medical school
d) to go tobogganing with friends

I make my way through the lift line faster by:
a) always entering at high speed
b) carrying a dead fish
c) chasing my imaginary friend
d) lighting my pants on fire
e) wearing a crown and acting royally

On a rainy day at the hill, I:
a) go faster (on my skis last waxed in 1997)
b) wear a garbage bag – and naval jelly
c) take my meals in the hot tub
d) ski naked

On a chairlift with a stranger, I always:
a) show him pictures of my cats
b) give a false name
c) repeatedly pretend to fall off
d) tie his knapsack to the safety bar
e) ask him to pull my finger

When I cleaned out my ski locker, I found:
a) Jimmy Hoffa – and Waldo
b) my ST 650s
c) I’ve been wearing two left boots
d) that I was adopted

I tune my skis:
a) because they seem to enjoy it
b) 30 times a season
c) every time they fall off the car
d) when I leave rust marks on the snow

I enjoy apres ski the most because:
a) it starts at noon
b) it goes ’til noon
c) I can practice my yodeling exercises
d) I can take off my Lycra

This winter, I plan to equip my car with:
a) snowtires
b) Beano
c) a roofbox that holds children
d) a “Staff Accommodations” sign

My best-ever ski holiday:
a) was free
b) includes Quebec
c) is now the subject of a criminal investigation
d) will soon be a major motion picture starring Nick Jonas and Cloris Leachman

My spouse:
a) doesn’t appear to enjoy my on-hill encouragement
b) skis faster than my other one
c) always asks for a ski instructor’s height, weight, age and hair colour
d) just returned from last year’s Ladies’/Men’s Day

My racing buddies:
a) oil their Lycra
b) compare each other’s poles too much
c) think hard pack is fun
d) need to click on www.helicatcanada.com

Scoring your quiz
* 12 points for each a, on even questions
* 8.5 points for each d, on odd questions
* 4 points for each c (generally speaking)
* -7 points for using a Lifeline or 50-50
* 18 points for finding the bonus question

Rating your winter

0-46 POINTS: Deep parental resentment still exists from the time you weren’t allowed to go on that high school ski trip. Make amends by immediately buying new equipment and booking a long weekend in Quebec City.

47-73 POINTS: Just because you’re asymptomatic doesn’t mean you’re suffering. It’s time to find your skiing zen – we think it’s in the Alps.

74-99 POINTS: Deep psychological problems are ready to bubble over at any moment. Don’t run with your avy probe and stop watching live resort cams after the lifts close. Move west now.

MORE THAN 100: Your results are the most troubling. You’re spending too much time watching Suzy Chapstick vids in your room. I recommend deep powder therapy and am referring you to my colleague, Dr. Wiegele, a specialist in these matters.

Tags: , , , , ,

Columns, First Tracks // // By


There’s nothing like a quiz to get me stoked on winter. Devised through years of consultation with Austrian ski-psychologists, Swiss statisticians and snow scientists from Nelson and Smithers, the following test is an accurate assessment of your future
on-hill level of enjoyment. Serious stuff, but you’ll find that time spent on this page will result in both a useful psycho-analysis as well as a personal harbinger for this winter.

So, grab a pencil – and maybe a RedBull – you have 11 minutes to complete the quiz. If your answer doesn’t appear in the multiple choices, try to select the closest. No cheating.

My ski boots:
a) were made by Abu Ghraib prison guards
b) are almost always on the right feet
c) help me from falling over at apres ski
d) are always toasty warm – in the hot tub

My long underwear:
a) came with my grandpa’s lederhosen
b) wasn’t returned by the hospital ER staff
c) is nowhere near as nice as my roommate’s
d) is evidently okay at apres ski, but not in court

The liftees at my hill have:
a) taken personal grooming to a new level
b) a T-bar loading success rate of almost 60%
c) a vocabulary of almost 60 words
c) matching bolts in their pants and eyebrows

I joined the ski patrol:
a) for the humour
b) for the hip jacket and fanny-pack
c) after I failed medical school
d) to go tobogganing with friends

I make my way through the lift line faster by:
a) always entering at high speed
b) carrying a dead fish
c) chasing my imaginary friend
d) lighting my pants on fire
e) wearing a crown and acting royally

On a rainy day at the hill, I:
a) go faster (on my skis last waxed in 1997)
b) wear a garbage bag – and naval jelly
c) take my meals in the hot tub
d) ski naked

On a chairlift with a stranger, I always:
a) show him pictures of my cats
b) give a false name
c) repeatedly pretend to fall off
d) tie his knapsack to the safety bar
e) ask him to pull my finger

When I cleaned out my ski locker, I found:
a) Jimmy Hoffa – and Waldo
b) my ST 650s
c) I’ve been wearing two left boots
d) that I was adopted

I tune my skis:
a) because they seem to enjoy it
b) 30 times a season
c) every time they fall off the car
d) when I leave rust marks on the snow

I enjoy apres ski the most because:
a) it starts at noon
b) it goes ’til noon
c) I can practice my yodeling exercises
d) I can take off my Lycra

This winter, I plan to equip my car with:
a) snowtires
b) Beano
c) a roofbox that holds children
d) a “Staff Accommodations” sign

My best-ever ski holiday:
a) was free
b) includes Quebec
c) is now the subject of a criminal investigation
d) will soon be a major motion picture starring Nick Jonas and Cloris Leachman

My spouse:
a) doesn’t appear to enjoy my on-hill encouragement
b) skis faster than my other one
c) always asks for a ski instructor’s height, weight, age and hair colour
d) just returned from last year’s Ladies’/Men’s Day

My racing buddies:
a) oil their Lycra
b) compare each other’s poles too much
c) think hard pack is fun
d) need to click on www.helicatcanada.com

Scoring your quiz
* 12 points for each a, on even questions
* 8.5 points for each d, on odd questions
* 4 points for each c (generally speaking)
* -7 points for using a Lifeline or 50-50
* 18 points for finding the bonus question

Rating your winter

0-46 POINTS: Deep parental resentment still exists from the time you weren’t allowed to go on that high school ski trip. Make amends by immediately buying new equipment and booking a long weekend in Quebec City.

47-73 POINTS: Just because you’re asymptomatic doesn’t mean you’re suffering. It’s time to find your skiing zen – we think it’s in the Alps.

74-99 POINTS: Deep psychological problems are ready to bubble over at any moment. Don’t run with your avy probe and stop watching live resort cams after the lifts close. Move west now.

MORE THAN 100: Your results are the most troubling. You’re spending too much time watching Suzy Chapstick vids in your room. I recommend deep powder therapy and am referring you to my colleague, Dr. Wiegele, a specialist in these matters.

Tags: , , , , ,

Subscribe and SAVE!

Just $3.75 an issue!

1 year (4 issues) for $15 + tax!

Outside Canada?